My logical mind leaves the room
Some people are just not ready to heal yet, I know, in some moments, I’m still one of these people. When tempted by foods I shouldn’t eat I still occasionally become unconscious (the “me” that has logic and reasoning has left the room!) and I tell myself I can eat those foods and when I do, I sabotage my healing.
In the last 15 or so years I became aware to some extent that I was holding onto some pattern to remain sick, but I just couldn’t, for the life of me, connect to or feel what that pattern was. How could I understand something I couldn’t feel or sense at all? How can anyone? This pattern was coming from my unconscious mind.
I looked at how I would feel if I was truly well and could do the things I thought I wanted to do. Mostly my goal for getting well was to be able to eat all the food I used to eat again and this was my strongest motivating force for years!
Am I passionless or just plain scared?
I asked myself if I was using my sickness so I didn’t have to find out if I really could create and be passionate about something in my life. The answer I got was a probable yes, I wasn’t really prepared to confront my lack of passion to do anything. I really thought I didn’t have any passion for any worldly projects, I have since found I was completely wrong about this.
One thing I was and still am passionate about is self awareness, which is just as well as it has slowly led me to understand the mechanisms inside myself that have kept me where I have been – sick.
A victim of my own anger
This unrevealed pattern has taken a fair bit of time to reveal itself. Over this time of unravelling I have gradually dropped being a victim of my sickness. I stopped getting angry and depressed and started coming to terms with the fact I was indeed sick. I realised I had become a victim of my own persecution of myself and I was angry and depressed that I couldn’t get well.
Dealing with guilt
Another thing I had to deal with was guilt. My partner Ian had to (in my words) put up with me and my complaining and my lack of contribution. It was hard because he worried about me when I complained but if I didn’t he would want me to do lots of things I just wasn’t capable of. I tried to find a way to tell him I wasn’t feeling well enough without him becoming concerned but this turned out to be impossible. I realised I just had to deal with his worry about me but this has not been at all easy.
Depression was really anger
What I started to realise is that when I was depressed I would become aware that in fact I was angry, and with this awareness I sat in and allowed my anger. This shift in the way I handled my depression caused me to begin to be a lot more gentle with myself. The fact was, I was sick and there were times when I had no energy and I wasn’t capable of doing all the things I believed I should be doing.
This gentleness that arose from my acceptance has been I believe the beginning of the unravelling of my pattern. The gentleness allowed more space within me to clearly and gently look at myself.
Oh my goodness am I good at sabotage!
Next came something I would have never believed I could do at the time but never underestimate sabotage! I had been doing really well on this program. I had been on it for a year and was starting to get great signs of healing and then I travelled to Italy. I ate some Italian sour dough bread and felt well and lost my ability to think. My diet went to hell in a hand basket! After six months of eating and drinking in Italy my health packed up and left!
I have had some serious work to do to get healthy again and it hasn’t been fast or easy! You see I had really not come to terms with the fact I could never eat like I used to again.
The dawning of self kindness
After this sojourn, it slowly, slowly dawned on me that if indeed I wanted health, and indeed great health, I would need be being really kind to myself and not eat these high carb foods at all.
I’m maybe carbohydrate intolerant?
Dr Jay Wortman (who did a study on the Canadian Eskimos and made a movie of it using the LCHF diet called My Big Fat Diet) told me that I was probably carbohydrate intolerant. What this meant was that I would never be one of the ‘normal’ food eaters again. I don’t think I truly let this understanding in all at once. It came little my little, by studying more of what it meant for the health of ‘normal’ people to eat the ‘normal’ foods. ‘Normal’ people don’t do well either on the same foods I could no longer eat and understanding this was like turning up the lights in a very dim room.
With the understanding that I would probably never be able to eat all the foods I used to eat came a grieving process with lots of bargaining and denial, just like when you have lost someone you love!
Denial and bargaining – the grieving process
I see this denial and bargaining happening to so many people with ill health. My friend Gerry, who is a MD, says most people will not give up the habits which are making them sick and this frustrates him so much.
In a strange way because I was so obviously sick and because I badly wanted to be well I was lucky. Ian, my husband, believed he was healthy like so many other people do, until the day it all fell apart when he found out he had bad osteoporosis.
People say to me now as they are getting a bit older “I found out I have cancer!” or “I have been diagnosed with arthritis!,” and add indignantly, “I cannot understand it, I have been so healthy my whole life!”
Is it true that these people have been healthy their whole life till now? Certainly outwardly they seem to have been fortunate, then why has this sickness “all of a sudden” happened? The truth is that for Ian there were always signs of something that was not quite right in his body but these signs were ignored, they couldn’t be possibly be real because of his conviction he was healthy and there was nothing that his body could tell him that could help him to understand all wasn’t quite as it seemed.
Passion for life replaces passion for eating bread
My motivating force for getting well has now truly changed, in fact getting healthy has been really only a sideline of the great event of discovering what my subconscious mind was trying to hide from me. I truly now see myself as empowered towards something far greater than just being able to eat what everyone else can eat. I have found my passion, even though it still at times it runs away and hides for a bit when I get scared. I want to help people, I adore helping and this is what this blog is for.
Is ‘normal’ what I want?
So a ‘normal’ diet is not for me and in truth most of us do not want to hear that it’s not good for any of us.
Eating high carbohydrate along with high acidity foods will lead to ill health even in the most ‘healthy’ people. I have done enough research and observation of people around the world to see that the ‘normal’ diet will lead all people to ill health.
Unpacking the box of the unconscious mind
Join me in this great adventure of discovering the wonders and passion that are here within us when we start to unpack the box of our subconscious mind.